Monday, April 26, 2010

April 26, 2010

What. A. Weekend. Hope yours was awesome & exciting.

Song promotion of the day -
see the end for tunes.

My Gal Friday…Steffi Style Song Promotion of the Day-
Bennie & the Jets by Elton John
Jump Around by House of Pain

Today in History

1721 - Smallpox vaccination 1st administrated
1906 - 1st motion pictures shown in Hawaii
1920 - H Shapley & H D Curtis hold "great debate" on nature of nebulae
1929 -1st non-stop England to India flight lands
1931 - Lou Gehrig hits a HR but is called out for passing a runner, mistake costs him AL home run crown; he & Babe Ruth tie for season


“Focused. I'm a hustler. And my hustle is trying to figure out the best ways to do what I like without having to do much else.” ~Mos Def

“For the most part, we're playing acoustic instruments, ... But the show isn't completely unplugged. A more accurate description would be 'broken down.' ” ~Jonny Lang

from random friends, family, etc.

"9 days straight & of course the last one's gotta be insane! I wanted to spork myself to death in the restrooms @ work!" ~Andrea

"I didn't know the dork forces thingy could play very difficult games! Hopefully its back doesn't break." ~Xzavier (Scruffles)

"I don't think you two should be friends." ~Mat

"I dropped my lime!" ~My Gal Friday….Steffi Style

"It must be all those Marlboro apps you are downloading." ~Roger

"Jessica…! Go to your room! And shut the dOrk!" ~Mat

Word of the Day

quisling - a collaborator; a traitor


Today is International Macaroni Day!!

My Life is Average

Today, while leaving a grocery store I saw an old woman slowly pushing her cart to her car, all of a sudden she pushes off hard as she jumps onto the back of the cart, riding it. Easily made my day. Hope that still fun for me when I'm old. MLIA

Today, my boyfriend spontaneously texted me telling me he loved me more than Dora loved maps. I now am worried about what he does in his spare time.. MLIA.

Yesterday my 15-year-old sister walked into the room acting very shy and suspicious. I thought that maybe she was hiding something that she shouldn't have. It turns out she was: new batman underwear from the boy's section at Target. MLIA.

Yesterday I was at my friend's house, and whilst hanging around the kitchen her mom and dad were talking about what zombies were, and their diet. I want a relationship like that when I'm older. MLIA

Today, my first ever boyfriend came over to my house to work on our partner English project - we have to write a parody of Shakespeare that takes place in the modern day. My dad overheard us writing sappy lines to each other in character, and then joined us on the living room couch to shine his shotgun. MLIA

Today, I became a fan of "I wish my friend's houses were connected to mine via secret tunnels" on FaceBook. When I clicked "become a fan" a message came up that said "you are already connected". I guess my friends have been working on this and forgot to inform me. MLIA.

Customers are Fun

(Not So) Heavy Brain
Video Game Store | Minnesota, USA

Me: “Hi, welcome to [store]! Anything I can do for you?”
(Customer puts a copy of a video game on the counter.)
Customer: “I’m returning this game; it’s not for me.”
Me: “What didn’t you like about it?”
Customer: “It was the stupidest game ever! I walked around a house for 10 minutes, went to the mall, then my kid died and the credits rolled and it was over!”
Me: “Uh…those were the opening credits.”

Post-Grammatic Stress
Coffee Shop | Massachusetts, USA

(I have just completed a transaction and given the customer their coffee.)
Me: “Have a great day!”
Customer: “What did you say to me?”
Me: “I said have a great day.”
Customer: “Well, that’s impossible. I am an English teacher. It’s impossible to have a great day. Something will always go wrong to prevent ‘great’ from being the correct adjective to describe ‘day’. I find you wishing me the impossible insulting.”
Me: “Have a decent day?”
Customer: “Thank you.”
(The customer sits down to eat near the register and opens a book. Another customer orders and pays.)
Me: “Have a great day!”
Original Customer: “I heard that!”

Chuck Norris Factoid of the Day

"Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter. "

Funny Pics
from the collection

from the life & times of jessi bean

I need something to put my hair up. Because it's down. I feel strange without my ponytail and knowing I don't have something to put it in a ponytail when I get tired of my hair being down and it's aggravating me. Yes, I might be slightly OCD.

People of Chase
from the life & times of … you!

Enter User Notes?

User Notes*

reason: personal - relationship: psychic - amt: $51.00 cx phone xxx-xxx-xxxx

Live…From California!!
from the adventures of SPA (my nephew & his friends)

I am very excited about my nephew, Xzavier, Scruffles, :) :) telling me all about extreme hop scotch. Honestly, I am thinking this is going to be amusing for everyone to watch considering most days I can barely walk, and to see me trying to hop around….yeah. Stay tuned.

Top Ten List

The Top Bad Excuses For Speeding

"This is my tryout for Nascar."

"I've got to get back to Amish Country before they realize that I am missing."

"That McDonald's offer is for a Limited Time only and buddy, that could run out at ANYTIME!"

"I'm trying to rush home for the new Hanson video debut on MTV."

"Cause those Gorditas rule."

"Uh-Oh..Wapner's on...I'm an excellent driver."

"Trying to see how fast a Yugo can go."

"Umm..I'm drunk?"

"Trying to outrun the radio signal that is playing that lousy Alanis Morisette "Uninvited" song!"

Learn from My Fail

When a coworker calls to say they’re going to be late because "they have to wait for the paramedics," don’t say, "Ok, have fun!" #LFMF

When you park your car and notice a strong smell of petrol, before panicking and calling your father (who is a mechanic) check to make sure you are not parked next to a petrol station –_– #LFMF

When you’re getting a brain MRI done, make sure you choose music that you don’t actually like. That way, you won’t be tempted to headbang or bob your head along to your favorite tunes.

Never let your falling-down drunk husband cook anything at 2am. Or at least make sure your fire alarms are in working order. #LFMF

Always check your shoes before putting them on. Sometimes your cat has been lavishly sick in one of them. #LFMF

Spell check does NOT catch the missing ‘r’ when you email your wife that "I spent the day under the car with a greasy wench." #LFMF

From my personal blog, Lost in the Shuffle - all about the music.

It's Going to be an Epic Year… music.

With the onslaught of another decade, we are bombarded with new new artists, and old artists. I love that I am seeing some bands from my younger years on the list of bands releasing albums this year.

Ke$ha - "Animal" - if you haven't heard her songs yet, you must be living under a rock. I have to say, this is another Lady Gaga episode for me, and I hate that I love her songs. I do. Tick Tock, of course.

Lady Antebellum - "Need You Now" - I adore this band. Crossing the waves from pop and country, like so many other artists are doing now, they linger mostly in the twang side of the spectrum, so the fact that they are being played on the pop stations says a lot for them. I love their songs. She is both beautiful and has a sultry voice and he is hot and has a sexy smooth voice. Yes. Definitely a band worth listening to.

Rob Zombie - "Hellbilly Deluxe II" - Rob Zombie makes me want to dance... I love his songs, and his lyrics, too. A throwback to my high school days, this album is going to be added to my collection very shortly.

Fear Factory - "Mechanize" - I had not heard that Fear Factory had come out with another album, so I think I am slacking in keeping up with the new music. I am looking forward to hearing their new stuff.

Massive Attack - "Heligoland" - From the first time I heard their song "Angel," there has always been a dark, loving spot in my heart for Massive Attack. Their album Mezzanine is a constant on my mp3 player, and I am glad to see them gaining popularity with their new album.

Daniel Merriweather - "Love & War" - This guy has soul. His voice drifts towards Jonny Lang-ish at times, but that is in no way a bad thing. His song, Red, has become a favorite of mine.

Ludacris - "Battle of the Sexes" - I ♥ Luda. What else can I say? It's Luda!

Alan Jackson - "Freight Train" - I have adored Alan Jackson's music since the first time I heard Midnight in Montgomery. That is one of the most haunting songs I have ever heard. The fact that it is in the country genre has nothing to do with how downright beautiful the song is. Like Red on A Rose, too, is...incredible. I am ecstatic that he is still making music. I hope to hear from him for years to come.

Jakob Dylan - "Women and Country" - Are you joking me? Bob Dylan's son, the singer of the Wallflowers, came out with a new album and it's not on my radar? Be very afraid. I will update with how it sounds because I adore his voice and I must listen.

Insane Clown Posse - "Bang! Pow! Boom! Nuclear Version" - It's ICP. Need I say more?! ♥

Natalie Merchant - "Leave Your Sleep" - former 10,000 Maniacs member Natalie Merchant has always been on my list of faves. I am excited about this album. Once again, haven't heard anything from it yet, but stay tuned.

Cypress Hill - "Rise Up" - Cypress joke. AND! Now with Tom Morello. A fanatical fan of RATM, and partial to Cypress Hill's previous work, I was anxious to hear it when their new song came out on Kiss. Excellent. I like.

Jonny Lang - "Live at the Ryman" - speaking of (see Daniel Merriweather, above). I adore Jonny Lang. Excited about anything he comes out with. Still trying to find his rendition of the Stones' "Paint it Black." ♥

Sevendust - "Cold Day Memory" - Excellent. ♥

To be released...

Drowning Pool - "Drowning Pool" - It's Drowning Pool. YAY!

Melissa Etheridge - "Fearless Love" - I don't care what you say, she has a beautiful voice. Her song "Angels Would Fall" is one of my all time favorites, and I always welcome new music from her.

Hole - "Nobody's Daughter" - Not a fan. If anyone has heard this, please let me know if there is ANYTHING good on it. If you're going to give a thumbs up on this, you better be damn sure of what you're talking about.

Deftones - "Diamond Eyes" - ... o__O DEFTONES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ♥♥♥♥

Tonic - "Tonic" - Still another that I should have heard about already. Another throwback, I can say I still love and listen to Tonic.

Meat Loaf - "Hang Cool Teddy Bear" - Didn't know it was out. Haven't heard anything about Meat Loaf in a hot minute. Trepidation. That's a good word for how I feel about this album, as I haven't heard anything off of it yet. But! It's Meat Loaf. I must give it a try.

Danzig - "Deth Red Sabaoth" - huh? Really?!

Smashing Pumpkins - "Teargarden by Kaleidyscope - Vol. 1: Songs For a Sailor" - I once loved Smashing Pumpkins. I heard one of their older songs the other day, and finally understood why many people didn't like them. However. It IS Smashing Pumpkins after all, and I must find out what this is all about.

Soulfly - "Omen" - Why do I always associate Soulfly with Deftones? I know I should associate with Sepultura, but... There's a memory lingering on the edge of consciousness on this one. Presque vu. Definitely looking forward to hearing this one.

Stone Temple Pilots - "Stone Temple Pilots" - Scott Weiland is at it again with STP people. My heart is exploding with anticipay........shun. ♥

Ozzy Osbourne - "Scream" - ♥ I just want to hug him. LOL

Sarah McLachlan - "The Laws of Illusion" - This is what I want. I must have this. Need this. It is Sarah McLachlan. ZOMG! Can't wait!!! ♥

Chamillionaire - "Venom" - Gotta love it. After hearing Rain, I was hooked. Hands down.

Trace Adkins - "Cowboy's Back in Town" - Don't think I've heard a song yet by this (very talllll) country singer I didn't like. Muddy Water and Hillbilly Bone (with Blake Shelton) are always on my player, and I can't wait to hear what he's got up his sleeve this time.

Bad Religion - [title tba] - Just wow.

Beastie Boys - "Hot Sauce Committee Part 1" - Seriously. Who is NOT looking forward to this release???

Cake - [title tba] - seriously? Break out the...uh...shot glasses. Yeah. YEAH!

Goo Goo Dolls - "Something for the Rest of Us" - With GGD, it was hit or miss. I either loved a song by them or I really didn't. I hope this is closer to their older days, and that the 2Ks haven't messed with their sound too much.

My Chemical Romance - [title tba] - because I actually like their songs, I am resisting the urge to scream "emos of America unite!" All joking aside, I am actually looking forward to this album.

No Doubt - [title tba] - No Doubt. No kidding?! Thank God. I do NOT like Gwen Stefani out on her own. For those of you who know me and my musical preferences well, you know that there are few singers or bands that I will shun completely from my library, but Gwen on her own is one of them. I hopehopehope she doesn't screw up No Doubt for me.

The Offspring - [title tba] - honestly, I cannot say I'm digging the new tunes from one of my favorite bands from my high school days. I feel like if I looked up the phrase "sell-out" in the dictionary, I would see their pic. But...we can always hope for the best.

Panic! At the Disco - [title tba] - oh yeah.

Papa Roach - " be Loved" - This is a Best Of album, but seeing as I adore Papa Roach, you know it will be in my library.

Red Hot Chili Peppers - [title tba] - Let me say it again. Red Hot Chili Peppers. And again. Red. Hot. Chili. Peppers. ♥

Amy Winehouse - [title tba] - I love Amy Winehouse. I do. But...I am not holding my breath for another album from her.

Did I miss anyone? Actually, I missed a lot. Check out the full(?) list at the RadioBlog on AOL.

Have a mahhhvelous Monday, my lovelies.


Saturday, April 24, 2010

April 23, 2010

Ewww. It is hot and humid outside. You'd think…let's see…wow. You'd think 16 years in this place would acclimate me to the weather, namely the heat and humidity, but….no.
My hair looks like little trolls are trying to sprout. Trolls. Dang. I miss those things. I want one. Gonna have to get some decorations for my…my…Steffi what did you call it? Cube farm? Something. It was awesome and I want to use it.

Song promotion of the day -
Crazy - K-Ci & JoJo
Elejigbo - Los Fernandos
Flush Away - Indo
Freedom to Feel - John Reuben

My Gal Friday…Steffi Style Song Promotion of the Day-
I Am the Highway by Audioslave
Dang, Steffi. I wish I had thought of that song. I ♥♥♥♥ that song.

Today in History

1348 - First English order of knighthood founded (Order of Garter).
1851 - Canada issues first postage stamps.
1896 - Premier of motion pictures (Koster & Bial's Music Hall, NYC).
1949 - CHINESE RED ARMY CONQUERS NANKING **if you don't know the story behind this, it is tragic, but for the most part unknown unless you like history.**
1962 - NY Mets win their 1st game ever, after going 0-9, beat Pirates 9-1.
1985 - Coca-Cola announced it is changing its secret flavor formula.
1992 - McDonald's opens its first fast-food restaurant in China.


"Censorship reflects a society's lack of confidence in itself. It is a hallmark of an authoritarian regime." ~Potter Stewart

"What garlic is to food, insanity is to art." ~Augustus Saint-Gaudens

“We can never have enough of nature. We must be refreshed by the sight of inexhaustible vigor, vast and titanic features, the sea-coast with its wrecks, the wilderness with its living and its decaying trees, the thunder-cloud, and the rain.” ~Henry David Thoreau

Word of the Day

Moil - to labor; to toil; to drudge.

Jamais vu - the feeling of unfamiliarity.
Déjà vu - the feeling of familiarity.
Presque vu - almost, but not quite, remembering something.


April is Car Care Month, Frog Month, Jazz Appreciation Month, and Straw Hat Month.

Today is Talk Like Shakespeare Day.

My Life is Average

Today, I woke up to my parents arguing. When I went upstairs, I saw my step-dad sitting at the computer with my mother standing over his shoulder. "Hurry up!! You've been on all morning! My raspberries are going to wilt!" Gee, thanks Farmville. My parents are now farm-junkies. MLIA

Today, I realized that most people my age on Friday nights are at clubs or bar hopping. I spent the last 4 hours playing hide and seek in a three story building. It was all totally worth it. MLIA

Today my mom attempted to make Sushi. She burnt it. MLIA

Today I asked my Mom, "What is the point of the penny?" She replied, "Well, it's a circle, so I don't think it has a point." MLIA

Today I learned that it is against the law in Kansas to pass the state line with a duck upon your head. I've never been so tempted to cross the state line with a duck on my head before. MLIA
***Okay. At some point, I need people to come with me on a road trip for this specific purpose.

Today, I was texting and suddenly I couldn't remember what I did with my phone. When my friend texted me "What's up?" I replied with, "I'll text you later, I can't find my phone." After I hit send, I realized what I'd done... MLIA
***Don't laugh. Don't laugh.***

Today I came home after school and took a nap. When I woke up my dog was biting my hand and my mom was laughing hysterically. When she finally stopped I asked her why she was laughing. She told me that while I was asleep I was twitching....... a lot, and was accidentally hitting my dog in the face for the last 20 minutes. MLIA

Customers are Fun

In Search Of Common Law And Common Sense
Law Firm | Phoenix, AZ, USA

Me: “This is [law firm], how can I help you?”
Customer: “Are you located on the fifth floor?”
Me: “Yes.”
Customer: “Well, I am on the fifth floor and there are no offices here.”
Me: “There are three law firms on the fifth floor, ma’am. We are the one all the way to the right of the elevator.”
Customer: “No, there are no offices on this floor. It’s totally open. And, its hot.”
Me: “Hot?”
Customer: “Yeah, it's hot. I think you gave me the wrong address.”
(Verifies address, customer has the correct address.)
Customer: “Well, it's just an open floor. I got out of my car up here and there’s no office.”
Me: “Are you… are you on the fifth floor of the parking garage?”
(My office window looks out at the roof (fifth) level of the parking garage. Sure enough there is a women on her cell phone pacing around the roof level of the parking garage.
Customer: “You told me to go to the fifth floor.”
Me: “Of the office building, ma’am, not of the parking garage.”

Chuck Norris Factoid of the Day

"There are no weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma. "

Funny Pics
from the collection

from the life & times of jessi bean

I still need tape. You know. So I can decorate my desk??
:: sigh ::
Completely invalid attemp at hilarities. Actually, nothing fascinating or humorous happened to me today. At all. Period. Nope.

Someone needs to come liven up my day.

People of Chase
from the life & times of … you!

Never complain about MY AHT again…LOL

And I quote - "It's got coffee & cheez wiz in it! Disgusting!"

Live…From California!!
from the adventures of SPA (my nephew & his friends)

Xzavier read my dOrk fOrces (Wednesday) about how I love the fact that Metallica and the Misfits are still being listened to the newer generations, or maybe they just thought they were cool t-shirts.

Nope. They are being listened to. My nephew proceeded to post a Metallica song quote as his status on MySpace every few hours until I got home, logged in, and saw them.

Top Ten List

The Top 10 Signs You're Flying On A Bad Airline

The engine's being held on by duct tape.

You see the Gorilla from those old Samsonite commercials running loose up and down the aisles.

In-flight movie has "Ernest" in its title.

Pilot informs you that you're at cruising altitude and he's gonna put the top down.

Instead of Peanuts, you get a healthy helping of SPAM.

As you're taking off, the stewardess mentions the phrase "Guest Pilot Program"

The seats are wet due to flotation device moisture.

The stewardess asks you to join the Mile High Club..."she" has a beard and bigger arms than you!

Pilot asks if there is anyone else who wants a shot of Beam before he finishes the bottle.

You look down and see a copy of "Fixing a Plane for Dummies" by the mechanic's feet!!!

Learn from My Fail

Never ever try to shave over a sunburn, especially if it is peeling. There is only one outcome, and it is not smooth legs. It is pain. #LFMF

When attempting to light a gas fire pit, do NOT lean over it to listen for gas. Yes, it is on. Yes, that "Burnt Hair" smell stays for about a week. #LFMF

Chocolate Milk does NOT make Chocolate Cottage Cheese. #LFMF

It’s really not a good idea to put on fresh Chapstick just before grooming your horse. Especially during shedding season. #LFMF

Saline nose spray is not a substitute for saline contact solution. #LFMF

Have a fantastic Friday, yall.


Wednesday, April 21, 2010

April 21, 2010

SONG promotion of the day -
Made of Scars - Stone Sour
Dance Floor Anthem - Good Charlotte
Fallen Souls - Ours

Today in History

1828 - Noah Webster publishes 1st American dictionary.
1862 - Congress establishes US Mint in Denver, Co.
1913 - Gideon Sundback of Sweden patents the zipper.
1930 - Fire at Ohio State Penitentiary kills 322.
1948 - 1st Polaroid camera was sold in US.
1976 - Swine Flu vaccine, for non-epidemic, enters testing.
1989 - Thousands of Chinese crowd into Beijing's Tiananmen Square cheering students demanding greater political freedom.


"It is important to do what you don't know how to do. It is important to see your skills as keeping you from learning what is deepest and most mysterious. If you know how to focus, unfocus. If your tendency is to make sense out of chaos, start chaos." ~Carlos Castaneda

"In a strange way, I had fallen in love with my depression. Dr. Sterling was right about that. I loved it because I thought it was all I had. I thought depression was the part of my character that made me worthwhile. I thought so little of myself, felt that I had such scant offerings to give to the world, that the one thing that justified my existence at all was my agony." ~Elizabeth Wurtzel

As death, when we come to consider it closely, is the true goal of our existence, I have formed during the last few years such close relations with this best and truest friend of mankind, that his image is not only no longer terrifying to me, but is indeed very soothing and consoling." ~Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Word of the Day

empyrean - the highest heaven; the heavens; the sky


Today is National Chocolate-Covered Cashew Day. Yum. I want some!

My Life is Average

Today I was talking to my friend who was really named "James Bond" and on the intercom the secretary said "James Bond, please report to the principals office." He quickly looked around in ninja fashion and tumbled down the hall in somersaults while screaming "The name is Bond, James Bond." Coolest James Bond I've ever met. MLIA.

Today, I learned that physicists have fun by charging electrical cylinders and throwing them at each other, so that when the other person catches it the electrical current will force their hand closed, shocking them. I love my teacher, but even more so I love the scream he makes when he's being electrocuted. Thank you science. MLIA

Today I found a gummy dinosaur in my package of gummy bears. I was extremely excited about this, so much that I named him, Nigel, and had intended to keep him forever. Later on my grandfather came over for a visit. I left the room for a moment only to return to find him chewing Nigel. I haven't been this heartbroken in years. MLIA

Today I went bowling with my dad's side of our family. Right before we left my grandma said "Wait! I want to take a picture of everyone holding there balls!" The guy walking behind us started laughing hystericly. My grandma looked confused.

Today in history class, one boy came in with his hands completely colored with blue ink. Upon seeing this, the teacher asked him what happened. His response? "I got freaky with a smurf." MLIA

Chuck Norris Factoid of the Day


"Chuck Norris once killed a bird by throwing it off a cliff. "

Funny Pics
from the collection

from the life & times of jessi bean

Let's see. Funny at home. Funny at home. Awwww. I should have gone to work today. I should have left the house. I was incredibly lazy today, and nothing funny happens when you're not moving.

Wait...all those things you're ticking off in your head right now that I'm laughing at, yeah. None of those things happened.

People of Chase
from the life & times of … you!

I adore this. I got a text message from my friend today saying that someone on "the fOrce" was sad because I wasn't at work today to send out the dOrk fOrces e-mail. I feel special now. Thanks, lovelies.

Live…From California!!

from the adventures of SPA (my nephew & his friends)

Xzavier had an EPIC dream about dinosaurs last night!! I am jealous!

It's good to see these bands are still being listened to. It would be a tragedy if they weren't. Wait...I hope they listen to them and don't just think they're cool shirts. Man. My age is showing.

Top Ten List

Reasons to allow drinking at work
The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. If someone does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.

Learn from My Fail

If your neighbour offers to give you a haircut, politely but firmly insist on deferring it until you are both completely sober. #LFMF

Don’t run your iPhone battery to near-empty playing Peggle, and then expect it to be your alarm clock in the morning. #LFMF

“A little too buzzed to make out the speed limit sign” is not a good excuse to use. #LFMF

I locked myself out of my car… While it was running… In the Taco Bell drive-thru. #LFMF

It’s possible to walk faster than an automatic sliding door can open. #LFMF

Sitting next to the guy on the bus who looks the least crazy doesn’t guarantee that he’s not, in fact, batshit crazy. #LFMF

Lesson #1: Do not hit the re-set button on the septic pump fuse until you’re sure that all pump pipes are firmly re-attached. Lesson #2: If you fail Lesson #1, do not scream — no matter how surprised you are to have raw sewage sprayed in your face. Lesson #3: Listerine really does kill germs. #LFMF

Hope you had a wonderfully wacky Wednesday!


April 20, 2010

Good afternoon, my lovelies, my preciousssss. I hope you all had a good night's rest after yesterday's craziness. Wow, what a Monday, huh?

SONG promotion of the day - Angel by Massive Attack
Angel by Sarah McLachlan
Angel of Mercy by Jonny Lang
Angels on the Moon by Thriving Ivory

Today in History

0295 - 8th recorded perihelion passage of Halley's Comet.
1777 - New York adopts a new constitution as an independent state.
1836 - Territory of WISCONSIN created.
1841 - First detective story (Poe's "Murders in the Rue Morgue") published.
1853 - Harriet Tubman starts Union Underground.
1894 - 136,000 mine workers strike in Ohio for pay increase.
1926 - First check sent by radio facsimile transmission across Atlantic.
1946 - First baseball broadcast in Chicago, Cardinals vs. Cubs.


"Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it." ~Bill Cosby

"Hope is the most exciting thing in life and if you honestly believe that love is out there, it will come. And even if it doesn't come straight away there is still that chance all through your life that it will. ~John Hartnett

"Dum spiro, spero." ~Latin proverb (While I breathe, I hope.)

Word of the Day

agrestic - pertaining to fields or the country.


This WEEK we are celebrating Astronomy Week and Consumer Awareness Week.

Today's celebration can be found by googling for it. LOL Sorry.

My Life is Average

Today, while I was at a friend's house she said she lost her remote control, so I did the most logical thing and looked in the couch. We were confused when I pulled out a steak knife. MLIA.

Today, I was watching House. I'm a doctor, and this is my favorite show. No, it's not because I can relate to it...It's because I try to find the answer before they do. So far I'm 1/37. MLIA

Last night my family and I was playing the game catch phrase, where you have to describe a word without saying or spelling it. My mom had to describe the word taxi. Her description was "Something that you flag down in the city that can give you a ride." Without missing a beat my dad replies "A HOOKER!" We had to stop the game because none of us could stop laughing. I love my family! MLIA

Today, I woke up to my dad singing the Itsy-Bitsy spider in an opera voice just outside my bedroom door. I didn't have the heart to yell at him for waking me up. MLIA.

Today, I went in the kitchen. I saw a brownie on the counter with my name written all over it. Literally. MLIA

Today, I joined a group on FaceBook called, "That's what she said. Who is she? And why is she saying these dirty things?" Good question, FaceBook, good question. MLIA.

Customers are Fun

Innocence Lost
Print Shop | Cape Cod

Me: “[Company], how can I help you?”
Caller: “Yea, I need you guys to work on my car’s transmission. How much?”
Me: “Ma’am, we don’t work on cars here, we print things.”
Caller: “But…but I Googled [company] and I got you guys.”
Me: “I’m sorry, Google was wrong. I don’t know how we got on there.”
Caller: “But I Googled you! You have to do it!”
Me: “Ma’am, we have copiers here, not a garage. Try the yellow pages?”
Caller: *sounding very betrayed* “I can’t believe I Googled you.”

Chuck Norris Factoid of the Day

"If you see Chuck Norris fighting a bear, don't help Chuck Norris, help the bear. "

Funny Pics
from the collection

**Had to include that. I adore owls. **

from the life & times of jessi bean

Today I took my (candy apple) red Rodeo to the mechanic's to get checked for why I am losing oil pressure and stalling. The mechanic said he was going to flush my fuel lines. I am very scared.

I was listening to my mp3 player while writing this, and I had it up loud and was trying to turn it down….on the computer.

I was on the phone with ♥John♥ on the way to work, and he is watching Four Christmases. I wish he wasn't 1300 miles away because I would have loved to have seen that man cry from laughing so hard. Which reminds me. I'm waiting for X to get out of work one night and I'm waiting by his truck, and I am on the phone with ♥John♥ and X comes walking up to the truck and goes "tell your man you'll call him tomorrow, you're mine for the night." Today, I'm on the phone with ♥John♥ while Freddy is telling me (hilarious!!!!!!!) story, and I tell ♥John♥ I love him and Freddy goes "you really shouldn't tell me you love me with your boyfriend on the phone." This is hilarious. I know it must be somewhat amusing to watch my face turn redder than a pomegranate and giggle nervously hoping he didn't take that seriously, but…. Oh, fine. It's hilarious. Good thing he has a sense of humor.

People of Chase
from the life & times of … you!

Mat (from FB): "…is losing his faith in humanity because of…. account holders, pauses realizing he too is an account holder."

!Thank you, Freddy!
So Freddy gets a call from his rancher buddy who wants him to come help "pull a calf." Freddy heads out and figures maybe the calf got stuck somewhere.

Yeah. Well, the calf was definitely stuck…in the throes of being born, and the rancher has a come-along tied to the calf's leg, and they are pulling the calf, trying to get it out. Well, it had already been established that the calf was dead, but suddenly someone shouts "I think I saw it move!" So they start working trying to get the calf out, and the rancher hits the gas and goes forward, hoping to pull the calf out this time….and pulls off the leg!

:: silence::

Yeah, Freddy told it WAY better than that.

And, the Kana Fiesta Fruit Cups:

Live…From California!!
from the adventures of SPA (my nephew & his friends)

My nephew would like to know if it is possible to burp an adult like you can a baby…

Top Ten List

Signs Your Car Might Be a Lemon

Motor Trend never mentioned a "Chevrolet Caca."

Manufactured in Zchkynk, Crzyktjkystan.

Passenger-side "airbag" is actually Rush Limbaugh crammed inside your glove box.

Two Words: Pontiac Sunkist

Changing the pre-set radio stations voids the warranty.

Oil spills on your driveway prompt a visit from Greenpeace.

Car has spent more time on "60 Minutes" than on the road.

Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.

Turn on the wipers and two guys climb out of the trunk with squeegees.

Bicycle pump required to inflate airbags.

"Jaws of Life" in trunk.

The hood ornament? An ostrich with its head in the sand.

When you sit behind the wheel, a nerdy billionaire voice asks, "Where do you want to go today?"

You realize too late that it *is* your father's Oldsmobile.

Ralph Nader's home phone number written on dashboard.

The telltale green-and-yellow-make-blue Zip-Lok seals on your air bags.

Learn from My Fail

Never assume the teapot contains only water. The ‘eyelash’ you find in the third cup is actually part of the ’spider soup’ you discover you’ve made in the fourth (and last) cup. #LFMF.

When standing in your dimly lit bathroom, make sure the "bug" in your sink is NOT your wife’s diamond earring before you flick it into the drain. #LFMF

After a hot guy spends an hour helping you fix your car, don’t back into his truck. #LFMF

When considering a new roommate, try to figure out what sort of contribution his dog named "Poopers" will make to the household. #LFMF

Have a terrific Tuesday!


Monday, April 19, 2010

April 19, 2010

Hello! I hope you all had a wonderful weekend. Now it's Monday! Monday! Monday! I missed the games yesterday, so if anyone watched, and something awesome happened, send me highlights. Also, I need some hairspray. I think my hair is okay right now, but….probably not for long.

If you are not already signed up for the blog, you missed two really good ones this weekend. There are something's that cannot be named here…. So when you get a chance and you are not on a work computer, don't forget to check out

I'm in a hurry today, I'm 30 minutes late starting this, so, if it seems rushed….it is.

SONG promotion of the day - Halo by Beyonce AND Sinnerman by Nina Simone.

Today in History

0607 - Comet 1P/607 H1 (Haley) approaches within 0.0898 AUs of Earth.
1948 - ABC TV Network begins.
1960 - Baseball uniforms begin displaying player's names on their backs.
1967 - "Casino Royale" premieres.


You have to love the beatniks. ♥

"Poets are damned…but see with the eyes of Angels." ~Allen Ginsberg

"My fault, my failure, is not in the passions I have, but in my lack of control of them." ~Jack Kerouac

"Your knowledge of what is going on can only be superficial and relative." ~William S. Burroughs

Word of the Day

I ♥ today's word.

scapegrace - one who is wild and reckless.


Today we celebrate National Hanging Out Day. Where ever your mind wandered, pick it up. This is referring to hanging out your laundry on the lines to dry to save money and the earth.

My Life is Average

Today, my friend and I were browsing the isles at Walgreens. Since Valentine's Day is drawing nearer, all the signs said goofy things like "Save on gifts your sweetheart will love." Under one of these type of signs we saw a rack of knives in sets of six. I'm glad Walgreens knows what couples really want as gifts for Valentine's day. MLIA

Today I drank the last G2 in those little 12-packs with the plastic holders. I proceeded to snip the plastic rings, so they wouldn't get caught around anything's neck, and my little brother decided to state the obvious: "Aw, you're helping the birdies!" My response? "No, I just don't want any more psychotic penguins like in Happy Feet." His face was priceless. MLIA

Today, a block of cheese fell out of my refrigerator. I caught it- and slammed my head on the door. Needless to say, I did NOT feel like a ninja. MLIA.

Today, I decided to join the Yahoo vs. Google War. I typed in to Google "Penguins Are" and got the result "Penguins are my favorite sort of frogs" I was so dumbfounded, I didn't bother to check Yahoo. MLIA.

Customers are Fun

There’s No Pills Like Home, Part 2
Pharmacy | New Jersey, USA

(My phone number is 1 number off a nearby pharmacy. We get a lot of misdials. My father happens to actually be a pharmacist but he doesn’t work there.)

Me: “Hello?”
Caller: “Hello? You just say Hello? How dare you be so rude! You should say “thank you for calling”!”
Me: “Oh, you must be looking for [pharmacy]. You have the wrong number.”
Caller: “Liar! How would you know what store I’m looking for? You’re just trying not to get in trouble. Give me your manager.”
Me: “Ma’am, I don’t have a manager. You’ve called a private residence. The number for the pharmacy is close to our number, so we get a lot of wrong calls.”
Caller: “This is outrageous! Give me your manager! I will not be treated this way!”
(At this point the caller was rambling and being rude so I hung up the phone. She called back, and my father answered it.)
Father: “Hello?”
Caller: “Is this the manager? Thank god! I want to know if [drug] can be taken with food! And you should fire that girl that answered before, she was very rude to me! I want to file a complaint!”
Father: “Ma’am, this is not the grocery store pharmacy. You just told off my 14-year old daughter. I happen to be a pharmacist. That drug does not need to be taken with food. However, you should see a doctor about your ears, as you clearly can’t hear a word anyone says.”

Chuck Norris Factoid of the Day

"Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird. "

Funny Pics
from the collection

from the life & times of jessi bean

Well, I finally drove to work in my (candy apple) red Rodeo. On my way to work, I started losing oil pressure. Be afraid. I am. The last thing I need is for the oil pump to go out on my drive home. Then there goes the head gaskets. And if I blow the head gaskets, there goes the block. And if I crack the block, I am going to sit on the side of the road and bawl like a baby. Honestly, this sounds like a screwed up version of "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie." Seriously.

People of Chase
from the life & times of … you!

"hurricane chase has officially hit my apartment and it has been declared a disaster area - that's what I get for working so much overtime!!!" ~My Gal Friday…Steffi Style

Brandon is being my hero of the moment by saving my teddy bear, Sugar, from certain death between my desk & the window wall…

Thank you, Brandon!!

And I love how the lives of people who work here but don't know each other interact. It's quite hilarious.

Live…From California!!
from the adventures of SPA (my nephew & his friends)

His MySpace pictures is a picture of Marilyn Manson….dressed up in 70's garb. It scares me.

Top Ten List

The Top 10 Signs Your Broker Was Affected by the Stock Market Crash

"He can't come to the phone right now..he's on the ledge."

"He won't be in today...he was made an offer and he refused."

"He left the building and not via the elevator..if you catch my drift."

"I'm sorry, sir..she's not in...she's out digging up your can as we speak."

There's a sign on her desk that says "Next Broker Please."

"He's on another line with his Mommy..would you care to hold?"

"No sir, that wasn't him streaking through the Stock Exchange"

"He's meeting with the SEC as we speak."

"I'm sorry, ma'am but that was him being led from the Stock Exchange naked except for the sale tickets stuck to his body via maple syrup."

"Yes sir, that is him in the White Bronco leading the cops down the freeway."

Learn from My Fail

If you happen to look down and see a large spider crawling across the crotch of your pants, try to resist the urge to smash it to death before flicking into the floorboard. You will thank you. Also, should you be unable to overcome this reflex, know that, not only will your wife nearly crash the car as she laughs hysterically at your misfortune, but she will also tell everyone you both know, and many people you don’t. #LFMF

If you own cats DO NOT buy cutesy ink pens with marabou feathers on them. Cats cannot tell difference between a writing implement and a fun now toy, nor do they care if they shred your hand while you’re signing a rent check with their new toy. #LFMF

When walking in public and you think a spider MAY be in your shirt make sure it’s not just your shirt’s tag before screaming and throwing off said shirt. #LFMF

Sunday, April 18, 2010

April 18, 2010

Hey, my lovelies! Myyy preciousssssss!

What a beautiful day it was? Yes? Ugh. YUCK! It was too humid! But I hope you all had an excellent Sunday, whether you're nursing a hangover from Oysterfest or poker night, or catching the playoffs, or just laying around enjoying a peaceful Sunday. Or all three!!!!!

I am SO kicking myself for missing the Lakers game AND the Spurs game. Oh well. I can see the score.

Here. Have some funnies.

:: shoves hilarities down ya'll throats ::

SONG Promotion of the day: If You Only Knew by Shinedown AND Home by Marc Broussard

Today in History

1899 - John McGraw, at 36, managerial debut as Oriole manager.
1902 - Denmark is first country to adopt fingerprinting to identify criminals.
1906 - 8.25 earthquake shakes San Francisco, California
1909 - Joan of Arc declared a saint.
1924 - First crossword puzzle book published (Simon & Schuster)
1977 - Alex Haley, author of "Roots," awarded Pulitzer Prize.
1983 - Pulitzer Prize awarded to Alice Walker for "Color Purple."
1995 - Quarterback Joe Montana announces his retirement from football.


"True not attained through self-gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy cause." ~Helen Keller

"The best prophet of the future is the past." ~Lord Byron

"In my writing, as much as I could, I tried to find the good, and praise it." ~Alex Haley

"Yes, Mother, I can see you are flawed. You have not hidden it. That is your greatest gift to me." ~Alice Walker

Word of the Day

disport - to frolic; to amuse (oneself)


Today we are celebrating Pet Owner's Independance Day

My Life is Average

Yesterday, I was at Dollar General with my friend that worked there helping her stock the deodorant. They were doing electrical work that made a lot of noise, and when it started, she turned to the 80 year-old man next to us and said very plainly, "The aliens are invading, sir. Take cover." He ducked. MLIA.

Today, the sock monster won. I am now wearing one black sock and one pink sock with pretty white little flowers all over it. Hopefully no one realizes that the big bad security guard is wearing one of his little sister's sock. MLIA

Today, I changed the recycling bin on my computer to "Azkaban". I then named a random file 'Voldemort". When I deleted it, a note came up saying "sending Voldemort to Azkaban." I felt powerful, but am still hoping that wasn't my missing chem project I deleted. MLIA.

Today, I was texting my friend after school. She sent me a text that said, "Whoever thought of pickling cucumbers was a genius." To which I replied, "Ew, pickled cucumbers? That's disgusting." Then she sent back, "Think about that." It took me almost 10 minutes to realize that pickled cucumbers are also known as pickles. I love pickles. MLIA.

Today, I read a story that said: "Today, I joined a group on facebook called "When I was a kid I hid my arms in my sweater and hit people my sleeves." I'm 16-years-old, and I still do that. MLIA". Young lady, I'm 42, and I still do that. MLIA

Text Faux Pas

(214): Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.

(740): Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night.

(512): He gave Paula Abdul a run for her crazy

(301): Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.

Chuck Norris Factoid of the Day

"When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life. "

Knowledge is Power

~If your 9 month old eats duck poop while at the lake and you use the bottle of water you have with you to rinse his mouth out do not forget and drink out of the same drink bottle 5 minutes later. Your wife will be in hysterics about it for years afterwards. #LFMF

~When your otherwise strong teenager asks you to open a soda can in front of his smiling friends,don’t take it as a compliment. Soda is hard to get off the ceiling. #LFMF

~If your 3-yr-old is carrying the cat towards the kitchen muttering "kitty needs a bath," it’s really best to see what she’s planning. Especially if you have a dishwasher. #LFMF

~No matter how your father sells it, attaching a toboggan to an ATV with a bungee cord is NOT fun. #LFMF

Funny Pictures

from the collection

from the life & times of jessi bean

I can't imagine what my neighbors think of me. I mean, seriously. From 2am romps through my jungle of a yard to untangle my dog from UNDERNEATH the porch (remember I cannot bend my knee all the way) to coming home at 12am and blasting everything from country to rock to rap to opera to arabic music, to me & my son Nicky repeating all the awesome lines from Phineus & Ferb and FanBoy and Chum Chum.... I must have quite an amusing life.

People of Chase
from the life & times of you

Still the weekend. Still no stories. But tomorrow is MONDAY, afraid. Be very afraid.

Live from California
from the (mis)adventures of my nephew

Scruffles. Candy Apple. Mr. Fahrenheit.
Xzavier! He goes by so many names. I swear. Our conversations are epic.

X: Hmm, I think there MIIIIIIGHT be a Death that I'd be soooo happy about. Wow. I really am a total asshole, hahaha.

J: Uh oh. Whose death is that?

X: A damn cat, ohhh yes, I DESPIIISE that cat. I hate that I have to see that he doesn't just for the sake of someone else. GAHHH!!!

J: Cheez and rice, you sound like EAP. What is up with the damn cat?

X: EAP? I don't speak Japanese, in english please? And I think it's just being fat. Plus, its a cat! THEY'RE DUMBASSES THAT ARE USELESS!

J: Edgar. Allen. Poe.

X: Oh, I've heard of him, how do I sound like him?

J: With the cat and the I hate the cat thing....and the cat. The cat. The cat.

X: Oh, how I LOOOOVE doggies... and the doggie. And doggie. And the doggie.


X: DOGGIES!!! Then I saw a cat so my smile went blank.


Have a spectacular Sunday!


Saturday, April 17, 2010

April 17, 2010

Here you go....funnies....just for you.

Today in History

1869 - First pro baseball games - Cin Reds 24, Cin amatuers 15
1937 - Cartoon characters Daffy Duck, Elmer J Fudd, & Petunia Pig debut
1964 - Ford Mustang formally introduced.
1979 - Brians Clark's "Whose Life is it Anyway?" premieres in London.
1983 - Nolan Ryan strikes out his 3,500th batter.
1983 - First National Coin Week begins.
1986 - IBM produces first mega-bit chip.


"Society exists only as a mental concept; in the real world there are only individuals." ~Oscar Wilde

"Reality is merely an illusion, although a very persistent one." ~Albert Einstein

Word of the Day

transmogrify - to transform.


Today we are celebrating National Blah Blah Blah day. So to those of you who hear nothing buy Charlie Brown "wah wah wah" is your day.

My Life is Average

Today I was eating some cheese puffs. Then I looked at the bag. "Now made with REAL cheese!" What was it made of before? MLIA

In class today, my teacher asked us if we had ever procrastinated... everyone raised there hand and looked around the room, except for one kid... He waited until everyone just about put their hand down to raise his hand up. Genius. MLIA

Today, I was talking to my friend about how I haven't seen Avatar yet, he told me it was awesome and I must see it even though and I quote "it is basically just pocahontas in 3d with smurfs" I have never heard such an accurate description of it. MLIA

Today, I found out starfish have no brains. No wonder Patrick was so stupid. MLIA

Yesterday I read an MLIA story about someone that dropped their iPhone into holy water at church and it still being fine. This morning my iPhone dropped into the toilet. I pulled it out and dried it off and its still fine. I'm now convinced I have a devil iPhone. MLIA

I'm pretty sure Walt Disney would cry if he watched the Disney Channel today. MLIA

Text Faux Pas

(812): Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...

(330): The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewialk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to ukulele music. I want their life.

(757): I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well

(973): we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.

This Just Sounds Funny

#1 Take someone’s shopping cart and switch the items with stuff from the person next to them’s cart

Funny Pictures
from the collection

I am only posting one picture here today, along with the caption that went with it. It is quite....hilarious.

Whatever you’re doing, Model, you’re doing it wrong. Driving: You’re doing it wrong. Car sex: You’re doing it wrong. Promoting proper car safety: You’re doing it wrong. Modeling: You’re doing it wrong. Avoiding future chiropractor bills: You’re doing it WAY wrong! I see some fireman running to get the jaws of life so that you may be rescued, but I think I’ll convince them to leave you there for a bit, just so you can think about all of the things that you’re doing and how wrong you’re doing them all.

from the life & times of jessi bean

My son is shooting fire out a "How to Train Your Dragon" toy. He shot the fire on to a pile of dirty clothes. This cannot end well.

I was looking for all things funny to post on here today, and on one of the website I went to, there was an advertisement that said "Life is Short. Have an Affair." Then a pic of a woman in lingerie sitting in front of a fireplace on a chair. Then "100% Guaranteed." I feel as if we have completely failed as a generation. As a society. As a world. Seriously? Advertisement for affairs? O. M. G. NOT. COOL.

People of Chase
from the life & times of my co-workers

I am not at work today, stories.

Live....from California
from the fantastic adventures of my nephew & friends

I found out how my nephew got his "clubbin name" Candy Apple!!

They were going to go to a concert, and there were people who were going to be there on the flyer named "Candy Apple," "Leopuld," & "DJ Roger Carpio." So my nephew & his friends used those as their "clubbin names."

Now, I have just come into the treasure trove of knowledge. They don't go clubbing. LOL But that is awesome & amazing nonetheless.

Funny Video

I'm sorry. The ending was funny. I'm sorry. Did you SEE him hit his head on the way down???? EPIC!


April 16, 2010

Hello, Chase! It's another beautiful day in San Antonio, great for tanning, especially those of you who came from Florida and lost your tan when you came out here. So get outside in that beautiful sunshine and get roasted!

Isn't it great it's Friday? I miss watching TGIF. I mean Step by Step, Family Matters, Friday nights with my girl Heather eating Pixi Stix and drinking Coca Cola….then staying up all night annoying my parents with our giggles, throwing stuffed animals out the second story window and making screaming noises as they fell, actually screaming when we went outside to get them and were surrounded by bats.... Ahh….memories.

SONG promotion of the day - Funk Soul Brother - Fatboy Slim AND Tower of Song - Leonard Cohen

Today in History

1789 - George Washington heads for the first presidential inauguration.
1854 - San Salvador destroyed by earthquake.
1900 - US Post Office issues first book of postage stamps.
1922 - Annie Oakley shot 100 clay targets in a row, a women's record.
1929 - NY Yankees become first team to wear uniform numbers.
1956 - First solar powered radios go on sale.
1987 - Michael Jordon becomes second NBA to score 3000 points in a season.


"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children…to leave the world a better place…to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

"The last refuge of the insomniac is a sense of superiority to the sleeping world."
~Leonard Cohen

"in my old age of working OT and checking for seatbelts while sitting in my cube farm - I'm also losing my mind."
~My Gal Friday….Steffi Style

Word of the Day

oneiric - oh-NY-rik - of, pertaining to, or suggestive of dreams; dreamy
*This is my new favorite word. Must use in poem.


Today is National Wear Your Pajamas to Work Day!!!! ZOMG! I really need to start looking ahead on these things.

My Life is Average

Today, when I was talking to my crush, he told me I was too nice to be an evil genius. He then texted me a second later saying, "Oh My Gosh, that's all part of your master plan!" MLIA

Today, I went to a party where they had a henna tattoo artist. Most of the kids got stars and hearts, I got a dinosaur saying, "Moo." Win. MLIA.

Today, I played Risk for the second time in my life. The last time I played it, I broke a table. This time, I broke a chair and fell onto a concrete floor. Obviously Risk is a risky game. MLIA.

Today I saw a commercial on TV, this skater punk teenager was waiting to cross the street. An old lady came and grabbed his hand and asked him whether he needed help crossing the street. He accepted. I wish all old people were like this. MLIA.

Today, I was "doing my business" in the stall, when I heard someone walk into the restroom. Out of an old habit, I stuck my head under the stall to look at the person's shoes. I ended up screaming when I saw that the person in the stall next to me was doing the exact same thing. MLIA.

Customers are Fun

The Adventures Of Captain Obvious
Multiple Submissions | Everywhere

Me: “Would you like the 4-piece meal or the 6-piece meal?”
Customer: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Would you like the quarter pound classic burger or the half pound classic burger?”
Customer: “Which one is bigger?”
Customer: “How big is the 6 inch?”
Customer: “How many come in a four-pack?”
Customer: “Is your Sunday special on Sundays only?”
Customer: “Does your turkey chic pea chili soup have beef in it?”
Customer: “What flavor is your vanilla ice cream?”
Customer: “What’s the difference between the lemon and the vanilla?”
Customer: “Hi, do you sell books here?”
Me: “This is a bookstore, ma’am.”
Me: “Thank you for calling Pittsford Plaza Cinema, how may I help you?”
Customer: “Yes, hello. Are you located in the Pittsford Plaza?”
Me: “Thank you for calling Saltgrass Steakhouse in Meyerland Plaza where our gift cards make great holiday stocking stuffers. How may I assist you?”
Customer: “Hi, is this Saltgrass?”
Me: “Yes.”
Customer: “In Meyerland right?”
Me: “Yes…”
Customer: “Do you have giftcards?”‘

Chuck Norris Factoid of the Day

"Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris."

Funny Pics
from the collection

from the life & times of jessi bean

Have you seen Madagascar 2? The part in the plane where the penguins are flying and the lemur king is arms straight up and he goes "it's more fun with your hands in the air….like dis?" Hilarious. I've taken to saying that lately. About everything.
So, my mom was driving me home last night and I just bust out with that, and she looks at me, throws her hands in the air and repeats it….while she's going about 40. Hilarious? I thought so. THEN when we were close to my house (I live in the middle of nowhere, and there are lots of, um, critters out there, I saw something that looked like a ferret crossing the road in front of us, and I immediately yelled "ferret!". Mom goes "WHERE?!"
"I think you just ran over it, Mom!" She looks at me….
"But it's more fun with your hands in the air like this!" and throws her hands up again.
Yeah, we are so related. I ♥ my mom.

This morning, I dropped my cane on my big toe….on my good foot. Yes. Thank you.

This flower is beautiful and I want it. I want it more than I want a spider lily. Seriously. Don't know how THAT happened. But if no one can get me that flower, I will settle for some gum. I have coffee breath.

This is a cross between Personal & People of Chase. I asked Buddha not to laugh, then put on my dOrk fOrces bOwl & asked him to take a picture of me. He took my phone and says "you're telling me not to laugh and wearing a bowl on your head."

People of Chase
from the life & times of … you!

He had a blow out on I-10 and De Zavala, pulled into a parking lot, and left his car there overnight. It had been pouring, so changing the tire in the rain was not exactly ideal. When he went back the next day, he found his Mustang parked across three parking spots. He had been completely sober when he parked there.
~Thank you, R, for this fabulous story.

They are redoing the landscaping in front of building A:

Live…From California!!
from the adventures of SPA (my nephew & his friends)

o__O I haven't heard from my nephew in two days. I am getting worried. We message each other on MySpace every. single. night. I worry. Whippersnapper must be out having fabulous adventures to tell me about.
He's a good kid. Him & his friends go to the park and play on the playground. Take pictures of everything. And are addicted to orange everything. Oranges. Orange candy. Orange soda. Yes. Oranges.

Top Ten List

Why Dogs Don't Use Computers

Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.

Fetch command not available on all platforms.

Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.

Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.

Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."

Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing instead of working.

Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.

Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.

Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging

Just for Giggles

What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.

Yes, I did just put that lame but still awesome joke there.

Have an amazing, astonishing, astounding, awe-inspiring, awesome Friday!


April 15, 2010

So, I know I was supposed to post a dOrk fOrces yesterday on the FB group and the blOg, but I had just such a crazy day. I woke up, went to an awards ceremony at my son's school, went and picked up my Rodeo, got gas, drove all the way home, got online, tried to find insurance, got frustrated with computer, went out, stopped at three insurance places, went home, remembered I needed stuff, went to Mom's, played video games with my son, went to store, got said needed stuff, went home, talked to boyfriend, watched City of Angels with him (on the phone….unique experience, let me tell you, crying to a tear jerker in one state while he is laughing at me from 1300 miles away), got online, checked my stuff, and by that time I was so tired I just decided not to post dOrk fOrces and went to bed. But I will post….the whole week's dOrk fOrces….hopefully tonight.
If you saw me with my hand to my mouth convulsing, it's okay….I'm okay. I was trying not to be loud about guffawing at today's top ten list.

Wishbone is wishing it was outside to get the glorious rainwater instead of being in a cup…

SONG Promotion of the Day: Big Bopper - Chantilly Lace - GO TO YouTube and watch the video. Seriously. How old is that video and the talk show host actually says "yea-yeaah." I ♥ that song…
Of course, I also have to add the following:
I'm Only Happy When it Rains - Garbage
Songs About Rain - Gary Allan (anything by Gary Allan, really….giggle)
Ain't Gonna Rain No More - Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds (I love him, but his rendition of Paint it Black was horrid)
Have You Ever Seen the Rain? - CCR - need I say more???
Walk Out in the Rain - Bob Dylan
Still Rainin' - Jonny Lang (♥♥♥)
Box of Rain - Grateful Dead (I miss my Grateful Dead bear lunchbox…..)
Rain - Chamillionaire

Today in History

1738 - Bottle opener invented.
1784 - First balloon flight in Ireland.
1800 - James Ross discovers North Magnetic Pole.
1817 - First American school for the deaf opens.
1896 - First Olympic Games close at Athens, Greece.
1912 - The Titanic sinks.
1923 - First sound on film public performance shown at Rialto Theatre. (NYC)
1952 - First B-52 prototype test flight.
1975 - First appearance of San Diego Chicken.


"For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us." ~Voltaire

"I am kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy." ~J. D. Salinger

Word of the Day

pelf - money; riches; gain ((generally conveying the idea of something ill-gotten))


:: falls out of chair laughing ::
Are you ready for this?
Today is National "That Sucks" Day. Not only are income taxes due, so are quarter estimated federal income taxes. AND, it's the anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic.

My Life is Average

Today, my friends and I were driving back to college. As we entered town, we decided to be "gangsta" and blast the music. The person in control of the iPod at this time decided to play "Hakuna Matata" The looks we received were well worth it. MLIA.

Today, my friend put as his FaceBook status "going to go comatose for a few hours, hallucinate vividly, then maybe suffer amnesia about the whole experience." I will never call it sleeping again. MLIA.

Today I realized the average monopoly game does not have a silver mammoth playing piece. I am now confused as to why mine does. MLIA

Today, I found out that the little shreds of paper left over when you rip paper out of a spiral notebook are called "Kadoobies". I think I have a new favorite word. MLIA

Yesterday, I was bitten by a spider. when I woke up this morning, I realized that I could see perfectly. next I realized that I had forgotten to take out my contacts the night before. I was extremely disappointed. MLIA

Customers are Fun

Beyond Even The Power Of Pixel Dust
Copy Shop | Philadelphia, PA, USA

Customer: “Hi, I’d like a copy of this photo, but I need one the people cropped out. “
(The customer hands me a photo of three men, arms around each other’s shoulders in front of a brick wall.)
Me: “Which one needs to be cropped out?”
Customer: “The guy in the middle.”
Me: “Well, we really can’t do that. That is more for a photo-refinishing artist.”
Customer: “Can’t you just erase the guy in the middle?”
Me: “We could, but then there would be a blank space where he once was. It would be pretty obvious.”
Customer: “Oh, you won’t just see the wall behind him if he is removed?”
Me: “No, the camera doesn’t take a picture of what is behind the person, just what you see.”
Customer: “What if it was a digital camera?”

Chuck Norris Factoid of the Day

"Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. "

Funny Pics
from the collection

from the life & times of jessi bean

My boyfriend told me I should not tell people this, but it is quite hilarious, so I thought I'd put myself out on the line so you all can laugh.

As I've (consistently) told people, I recently bought a 1994 (candy-apple) red Rodeo. I ♥ my rodeo. Well, it needs some work….motor mounts, transmission mount, transmission flush, which it is actually getting today. Spa treatment for CA. Well, I'm on the phone with said person yesterday, backing out of my driveway because I need to go get milk & toilet paper (it seems that living alone automatically shifts you into bachelorette mode), and the Rodeo is making a strange sound. I growl and I put it in drive, and it is not moving, and making the same sound again.
"Your transmission went out." Yeah, thank you, Ohio, for pointing that out. I almost started to bawl. Like I said, I ♥ my rodeo. Anyway, I'm there, in the middle of the road, half backed out, and about to cry….and I realize….
I left the emergency brakes on.
Yeah. I'd appreciate if no one went by pointing and laughing at me about this, but hey.

Murphy's Law
Murphy's Law states that anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. I was on my way to get insurance yesterday…. I stopped at an insurance place on Potranco by Ellison - yeah, they were out of business. Still had their sign up and stuff on the window, but they were closed. So I am sitting in my (candy apple red) Rodeo (No, I am probably not going to stop saying that any time soon), and this crazy person comes within CENTIMETERS of my (candy apple red) Rodeo while they are trying to park! Meanwhile, I am on the phone with an insurance agent, and they are telling me where they are located (across town, of course), and I gave the person driving a dirty look.
So then I take off, and I am just driving around, looking for an insurance place, and this cop passes me, hits his brakes, does a U-Turn in the middle of traffic, and I am so sure I am going to get stopped. I was ready to start crying. I was. But he didn't stop me. Then I stopped at a Nationwide Insurance place on Ingram & Culebra….they were out to lunch. Until 2:55pm. Not 2:45pm. Not 3pm. 2:55pm. That is what the hand-written sign said.
So I take off again. Finally stop at Solamente Insurance on Culebra across from the SSFCU, and there is a sign that they are out to lunch until 3pm. I am terrified. I just KNOW that if I take off again, I am going to get stopped, ticketed, and my car impounded. So I just sit there, for about 25 minutes, until this lady drives up and goes inside. So I get out and follow her. Sweetest woman around. Bertha Bocanegra. Let me tell you. I've had insurance agents who pretend to be human (even though I know they're not), but this lady was awesome. Yes, this is an advertisement, because….well….it felt like she was supposed to be my insurance agent, what with having gone through three companies already in the last 30 minutes.

I need some sugar for my Emergen-C. It tastes better with sugar. && I am so feening crab rangoons.

People of Chase
from the life & times of … you!

I Don't Wanna Grow Up
My 7 year old nephew was running around the house and stubbed his toe (OUCH!) he started crying. My uncle goes up to him and tells him to stop crying and "be a man"… my nephew's response?
"I don't want to be a man, I want to be a boy!"
~*~Thanks, P!

Type Again?
You know you've been on the phones too long when you're typing for live chat and when someone asks you a question, you hit the mute button on your phone to make sure the customer does not hear your banter……….
~*~Thanks, C! And T for reminding me because I knew it was something hilarious, but I forgot.

Live…From California!!
from the adventures of SPA (my nephew & his friends)

"I need to think of a name for my new Rodeo." (me)
"How about my clubbin' name - Candy Apple." (nephew)
"You. Have. A. Clubbin' Name???" (me)

Stay tuned. I must find out how this "clubbin name" of Candy Apple has been dubbed to my nephew….

Top Ten List

You Know You're Having a Bad Day When...

Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.

You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.

Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

You wake up and your braces are stuck together.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.

You put both contacts into the same eye.

Your mother approves of the person you're dating.

Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.

Everyone loves your driver's license picture, but you think it looks awful.

The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.

The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.

People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.

You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.

It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.

Just for Giggles

How do you get a Kleenex to dance?

… Put a little boogey in it.

Yes, I did just put that lame but still awesome joke there.

Have a swell Thursday!